This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: February 12, 2021
February 5
Punk: The world is fucked and I'm pissed
— Bly 💗💜💙 (@PunkRockPagan) February 5, 2021
Emo: The world is fucked and I'm sad
Goth: The world is fucked but there's beauty
Ska: The world is fucked. I have a trumpet
white lady asked if she could go in front of me at Starbucks today and I said "no it's black history month" lmfaoo why she say "ok im sorry"
— 🤎 (@HalleDria) February 5, 2021
jane fonda jane fonda
— berry (@sckberry) February 5, 2021
in the 80's in her 80's pic.twitter.com/1SBhD5Ruaa
Remember when Papa John got all sweaty, ate 50 pizzas in 30 days, and promised "the day of reckoning will come," then like the next day COVID happened?
— Zach Heltzel (@zachheltzel) February 6, 2021
Sex is first base. Fourth base is i introduce u to my stuffed animals
— calathea (@eggshellfriend) February 6, 2021
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
— tristan (@TristanAlva) February 5, 2021
February 6
the home depot guy asking me about my project and gradually realizing i am trying to build my own home depot
— soul nate (@MNateShyamalan) February 6, 2021
I love the 'you can't live in fear forever' covid denying people bc it's like sweetie yes I can what do you think anxiety is I am perfect at it actually
— danielle weisberg (@danielleweisber) February 7, 2021
He's the worst athlete in this picture https://t.co/smjrmhEXAy
— Kyle Carr (Openly Black) (@KyleCoche) February 6, 2021
i literally have a portal that brings life into this world??? please lower your tone when you speak to me.
— mika🏹 (@themikalaleeann) February 6, 2021
what is joe biden and kamala harris' plans to finally make justin timberlake pay for his crimes against janet jackson and britney spears
— brie. (@briebxrries) February 7, 2021
Me watching Goofy Movie: no way it gets any goofier than this
— max paine (@PrairieIre) February 6, 2021
Me watching Extremely Goofy Movie: mother of god
my aging body: if you don't sleep i will hurt you
— professional jenfluencer 🧁 | BLM (@philoso_foster) February 6, 2021
me: ok ok, I'll sleep!
body: if you sleep slightly wrong I will hurt you
February 7
Phoebe Bridgers was valiantly trying to destroy the SNL stage, ending the program once and for all. She is a comedy hero.
— Sridhar Ramesh (@RadishHarmers) February 7, 2021
I broke my guitar at my first ever show and got grounded cause it was a present for being baptized. We have to take away the Nintendo for two weeks of anybody who smashes a guitar. Crime fits the punishment.
— Ryley walker (@ryleywalker) February 8, 2021
it's so annoying to me that covid made it so i can't drink wine w 5 of my friends in my house but 40 grown men can still physically assault each other on national television
— Dana Donnelly (@danadonly) February 7, 2021
Gotta be honest, I cried watching this ad pic.twitter.com/Ptma2i3tt8
— pixelatedboat aka "mr tweets" (@pixelatedboat) February 8, 2021
they should pour the gatorade on the other coach
— john-john (@bennnnst) February 8, 2021
I told my dad The Weeknd's parents are Ethiopian. He asked me why a Nigerian hasn't headlined the Super Bowl yet. I told him our parents refuse to let us be great and follow our passions. He's been quiet for 5 minutes. 🤣
— Lupita's Waistbeads (@hellokelechi) February 8, 2021
PRO TIP FOR PEOPLE STRUGGLING WITH ANXIETY:
— Cilantro.bb.95@aim.com (@bb_apes) February 8, 2021
I have found it very beneficial to my mental health, especially my anxiety, to not be in a pandemic
Serena Williams has 23 Grand Slam titles. https://t.co/VCsIzh2ODa
— reggie (@kidnoble) February 8, 2021
I can't believe it's been three years since the Quincy Jones interview pic.twitter.com/Lxo3zuVz3k
— Dickie Greenleaf (@ohgoddickie) February 8, 2021
canada: we have universal healthcare ✨💖
— Gabrielle Drolet (@gabrielledrolet) February 7, 2021
me: cool. can i go to the dentist
canada: no that doesn't count
Never forget The Weeknd was nominated for a Kids Choice Award for a song about doing so much cocaine that you can't feel your face
— Joe Ali (@JoeAli) February 8, 2021
wait i think i picked the wrong channel- pic.twitter.com/XfwnU2t1Za
— Dora The Fadplorer (@fadplorer) February 8, 2021
new white girl just dropped pic.twitter.com/0fVbdHzPIH
— toe (@cointeltoe) February 7, 2021
February 8
Only advice I can give y'all on stocks is, when everybody is talking bout it, it's 2 late lol
— Rubba Band Grant (@RubbaBand_Grant) February 8, 2021
Haha what the fuck? https://t.co/Zz0xEVf7bN
— Seth Rogen (@Sethrogen) February 9, 2021
Be it resolved that moving forward he forever be referred to as "Adult Journalist" @jonkay pic.twitter.com/vS3F8MA0r5
— James Keast (@yesjameskeast) February 9, 2021
Just to confirm... everyone feels tired ALL the time no matter how much sleep they get or caffeine they consume, but also has trouble falling asleep / is constantly hungry but also nauseous with acid reflux / spends every second working or cleaning yet nothing gets accomplished?
— Kenyon Laing (@KenyonLaing) February 9, 2021
one time I was taking a piss at a concert and Frankie Muniz walked in and chose the center urinal between me and my buddy and my friend waited a few seconds then said 'wow, Malcolm really IS in the middle, huh?' and Frankie told him to shut the fuck up
— Eric Feurer (@EricFeurer) February 8, 2021
i am an old man and twitter is my porch
— Rachel (@femaleredhead) February 8, 2021
What does it even mean to abuse your food stamps?
— Comrade Cooper ☭ (@queeersocialist) February 8, 2021
Like, is there a wrong way to need food?
February 9
A lawyer using Zoom had to let a judge know that he wasn't a cat after inadvertently activating a face filter pic.twitter.com/vChc14mjM1
— Mikael Thalen (@MikaelThalen) February 9, 2021
He come old flat top, he got Zoom cat lawyer, he one Leto joker, cancel Aunt Jemima, he say one and two and free Britney, Castor at impeachment he just say what he please
— James Urbaniak (@JamesUrbaniak) February 10, 2021
Zoom Cat Filter Video is flawless. Makes it all worth it. The internet, everything. Just a guy at the absolute end of his rope saying "I- I'm not a cat." It's all worth it. I feel alive.
— philip matarese (@philorphilip) February 10, 2021
Imagine appearing in a court proceeding as a kitten and having to declare that you're not actually a cat and still not cracking the top two worst lawyer performances that received national attention today.
— Rachel Barkow (@RachelBarkow) February 10, 2021
I'm starting to think the only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do her job was Stormy Daniels.
— Andrea Junker ® (@Strandjunker) February 9, 2021
Excuse my ignorance America, is it normal for the jury to be made up of people actively involved in the crime
— James Felton (@JimMFelton) February 9, 2021
— Schooley (@Rschooley) February 10, 2021
57 years ago today, my family and seven-year-old me watched The Beatles on Ed Sullivan and my dad said, "Jesus Christ, get a load of these assholes"
— Mike Scully (@scullymike) February 10, 2021
As a full-time writer and comedian, I'm so upset knowing I'll never make something as funny as this pic.twitter.com/IILekL82zn
— Tai Leclaire (@tai_leclaire) February 9, 2021
February 10
twitter is a great app bc you wake up to some sentence like "the 7-eleven assplay guy is transphobic???" and then u spend ur morning trying to figure out what happened like a lil mystery novel
— ashley (evil era) (sexy era) (@ashleyc0re) February 10, 2021
That man threw his hands up like "wait we all ain't racist in this bitch?" https://t.co/Pf2epjWncB
— J (@kiandre_23) February 11, 2021
Life hack: got a white cat? Put an orange on it to look like a big egg 🍳 pic.twitter.com/OD2yGk6D9T
— Barry Lewis (@MrBarryLewis) February 11, 2021
been laughing at this for 3 days pic.twitter.com/e2XtNpKX46
— the thicc husband & father (@lukeisamazing) February 10, 2021
This is the funniest and best explanation of baseball, ever. I'm dying. pic.twitter.com/XY4IxM54gB
— Maury Brown (@BizballMaury) February 10, 2021
Dr. Pepper was the inventor, the drink is Dr. Pepper's soda.
— Adam Jay (@BullGooseParty) February 10, 2021
February 11
basketball is beautiful. pic.twitter.com/waYu6Bd3Qq
— Rob Perez (@WorldWideWob) February 12, 2021
the forth rail bridge toilet has really upset me pic.twitter.com/gAQcmKoktS
— rhi (@rhi_annan) February 11, 2021
Receiving my PhD over zoom in the bedroom where I first jacked off
— april (@autogynefiles) February 11, 2021